What Spirit Knows

It’s been a big and rough week for Dotty and I. Last Sunday we traveled to MD Anderson Cancer Clinic for a PET scan and to meet with the oncologist there for the first assessment of how the treatments to date are faring. There’s some good news, and some ambiguous news.

Good news is the Hitchhiker (cancer) tumors in the left lung and hip and femur have shrunk significantly; enough so that it was suggested for the 4^th IV Chemo, for which I’m now sitting in the chair receiving, be the last for receiving the two-drug cocktail of Pemetrexed and Carboplatin. The latter is the harsher of the two so letting it go is a relief.

The news however that I could expect to be on an IV Chemo regimen of once every three weeks, plus my daily oral chemo of Tagrisso, until they are no longer effective did catch me by surprise. The average efficacy for this is 20/24 months, but then I have more energetic healing resources at disposal than most folks so… it will remain an unknown until it manifests.

Meanwhile I will continue to count you, dear friends and family, my community of love, as one of these primary resources of support. I feel so deeply held in this sacred circle of care. It leaves me humbled and grateful beyond measure. Please know there is simply no way for me to respond personally to all the messages of support and care, and that I energetically receive each one into my heart with gratitude.

Of course, I count the energetic medicines of nature as a primary resource of support also. As teacher, healer, and as lover, her inspirations are as close as my breath, heart and mind, and the soles of my feet. So valuable are the unbounded examples of the entwined cycles of birth, death, and rebirth

Speaking of which, more of the good news is that I’ve now doctor’s permission to begin ‘light hiking’ again, given the progressive healing in the bones of the left hip and femur. My heart leaped with joy upon hearing this news.

The ambiguous news however is harder to write about, being more subtle in character for one thing, and more intimate. It is simply this: I decided yesterday to drop the Carboplatin drug for this 4th chemo rather than waiting for the 5^th to do so. The travels to Houston to see the oncologist there left me exhausted, but regardless of cause, my whole system just rebelled at the thought of today’s chemo. My body and instincts rebelled—I do not feel resourced enough to receive the Carboplatin.

This means that the tumors will not receive this last blast of the heavy-duty poison to further reduce their vitality, and that my body, soul and spirit will not take that hit either. I still expect the post-chemo Death Lodge journeys to continue and will continue to write more of this on my blog, apart from posts here: larryglover.com/wildresiliency.com

This new regimen means that I am officially transitioning from an active western medical exorcism—to ‘living and thriving with’ the Hitchhiker as ally and informer of how to live my life intimately informed by Death. Making this decision earlier than medically recommended however, while the tumors are still active, leaves me mussing about what it is to trust the inherent wisdoms of my body when they conflict with conventional authority. The resulting inquiries and sensing find roots all the way back to early childhood for me, and I expect they might for you as well.

Oh, and more Of the joyful news is that this decision leaves me more resourced for completing remaining edits of ‘the book.’ The writing takes a definitive hit post chemo, however the new protocol will hopefully reduce the induced exhaustion and lack of focus of earlier treatments.

I will also be more resourced for the upcoming program with my business partner, Cheryl Slover-Linett. Interestingly, this program is titled, Nature as Sacred Healer: Healing,the Oneness Wound. Co-creating such programs with participants is one of the deep sacred honors of my life. They are nourishment and medicine for my own soul and spirit as well as that of participants. We still have a few spaces left for this mid September adventure and inquiry Into this vitalizing territory: https://leadfeather.org/portfolio/nature-as-sacred-healer/

On this note, I leave you with this poem:

What Spirit Knows
 
In three-day’s-time
I enter the Death Lodge
For a third cycle of spirals
Of learning to alchemicalize the poisons
Injected into my veins
To prolong my life they say
 
Once fully inside the Lodge
I anticipate another seven days
Where darkness reigns
But for light of the fires
Within my spirit and soul
That feed on the forces of life itself
 
Oh yes it is the mindful tending of these fires
With the raw intimacies of my life
That provide a kind of North Star
By which to navigate the darkness
Wherein I surrender my life
Yet again to the mystery that animates me
 
Again and again and again I am called
To let go of all that stands between
Me and a life of integrity and passion
A life of living ever truer
To who I most deeply know
Myself to be in nakedness of body soul and spirit
 
For this is what nourishes
The fires of renewal and rebirth
The shedding of identities bound
In service to fear and shame
To any unworthiness and insufficiency
That keeps me playing smaller
 
Than the stars of my ancestry
And so I nurse this one fire
With what it also hungers for
I drink straight from the Waters of Life
Mindful inhalations of living air and
Conscious exhalations of the same
 
As gratitude becomes the elixir
Of my days and nights of fetal living
While love itself begins the reweaving
Of the re-memberance
That is most valuable
Spirit’s intimacy and kinship with all life